List of the 100 largest urban areas in Canada by population

Huzzah! Random article has blessed me with yet another list. This time, it's a list of the 100 largest urban areas in Canada by population. I hate to be snarky because Canadians are supposedly so nice, but it really should be the list of largest "urban areas" in Canada. 70% of these "urban areas" are less than 100,000 people. Nearly 50% of them are 50,000 or less.

Come on! I know it gets cold up there, but couldn't you do something cooler with all that space? Your 90th largest "urban area" is not much bigger than my high school (exaggeration to prove a point). The 514th largest "urban area" in the US is nearly twice that (thank you, Del Rio, Texas). Is city planning considered rude, or could you just not get those Degrassi kids to reproduce enough to fill up your huge ass country?

I'm sorry, Canadians. But you need a little bit of motivation. Get it together and get build some cities. I don't care if the rest of the world likes your laid-back demeanor--you're just like Americans but less douchey.

It's understandable. Now that I think about it, you are. You're the Ryan Reynolds to our Matthew McConaughey, the Will Arnett to our Jeremy Piven, the Corey Hart (not Haim) to our Corey Feldman, the Sebastian Bach to our Bret Michaels. (Okay, that last one was a stretch. They're both total bags of douche.) Need more analogies? You're the cast of Knocked Up to our Ben Stiller, the Rick Fox to our Dennis Rodman. Planet Earth basically thinks Canada is filled with Dana Carveys and Michael Ceras while America's filled with Spencer Pratts and John Mayers.

Wow. Americans suck. Browsing the list of famous Canadians made me realize that we really are dicks. Seriously. I'm sorry I doubted you, Canada. EVERYONE awesome is from your country. I mean, we've still got Jason Bateman, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, Zooey Deschanel and a few others. But think about everyone else who's a major asshat. Probably American:

• Angelina Jolie? Why do you think she's got all those foreign kids? To cancel out her Americanism
• Tom Cruise? He'd like to claim he's an alien, but he's American
• Dane Cook? Bostonian (douchiest part of America)
• Oprah? AMERICAN! (read in Oprah's "favorite things" voice)
• Dakota Fanning? America's tiniest douche
• Elmo? American (and the biggest jerk I can think of)

Admittedly, Canadians like Eugene Levy and Howie Mandel do bring a high degree of suck, but it's not enough to cancel out the awesome brought to us by Michael J. Fox and Rachel McAdams. Although, in Canada, Mandel & Levy constitute nearly 2% of the population, which is why they were apparently exiled by the Canadian government (parliament? mounties?) and forced to take jobs where they look as American as possible. I mean, seriously. One's basically become the Screech Powers of the American Pie franchise and don't even get me started on the douchey banality of Deal or No Deal. Sickening.

But now that they're here in America where they belong, I guess it's safe to say I'd like to move to Canada. #97 on the list happens to be Owen Sound, Ontario (pop. 22,649). I'll fit right in. They'll think I'm their queen.

List of sniper rifles

Whoa. Badass. A gigantic sortable list of sniper rifles. I'd like to state for the record that I had no idea there were so many snipers out there...and also that I hope this post doesn't lead to a huge influx of readers who happen to be militant Henry Rollins fans and like to pretend they're paid assassins. But, if you've joined us today, WELCOME!

So, since I'm not into action movies, shooting people or guns, all of these rifles look pretty much the same to me. I shot an air rifle at camp once, but that's the best I've got. Sorry, I'm a girl. And, as we all know, it's not every day you see a girl shoot a gun. Unless you watch a lot of G.I. Jane and SVU. (Olivia Benson is so effing badass, BTW.)

Despite my ignorance, this whole sniper rifle thing is actually pretty timely. I just received via email a video of my little sister Pony (nickname--will explain some day) shooting a pistol...and crying! Apparently, while she and her friends spent Memorial Day up north*, someone's uncle (not sure whose) taught them how to shoot. Sound sketchy? Yeah, it looked sketchy, too.

So anyway, Pony was super scared to even hold the gun. She waited while each of the 7 other girls took their turns, pulled the trigger and shrieked when the gun went off. But when it was finally her turn, she had really worked herself up. She was in tears when she took it in her hands (probably not the best for her aim...or, you know, her stability with a loaded weapon). She finally made herself shoot and do the obligatory shrieking, but then she turned around quickly and revealed her cry face to everyone behind her. Awww. Poor Pony. Is it nap time?

Oh, PS. The girls were up there for a bachelorette party, so I don't know WTF they were doing shooting guns in the first place. At least they got the shrieking part right, eh?

*For those of you who don't know what I mean by that, "up north" refers to the woods of northwen Wisconsin and/or any area that's basically outdoorsy where you stay in cabins, go on boats, mingle with townies and drink a lot. I recently heard that Wisconsinites are like the only people who call it "up north," so I don't want any confusion.

Sweet Savage

The entry for hard rock band Sweet Savage so non-objectively refers to their heavy style as bolstered by "two guitars, thundering bass and powerhouse drums." Now, I'm no music expert (well, 11 years of piano and one song learned on violin), but I don't think those are very unbiased terms, crazy Wikipedia editors. Better log on and send them a death threat. (Seriously, our intern at work got a death threat from a Wiki editor for putting what they deemed "promotional" copy on our company page. Yikes.)

In any event, let's just forget about that and talk about what actually comes to my mind when I see their name: Kevin Arnold. Yes, that's right. In honor of my dear dear friend Jessica Bloodgood's impending birthday, I'll dedicate this post to Fred Savage, her soulmate.

Now, over the years, Jessica has indeed had her fair share of run-ins with really exciting celebrities, including the time she nearly assaulted John Stamos at an airport and told him that she loved him.

But some of the better celebrity moments Ms. Bloodgood has experienced have come in the form of autographs. As a child, Jess had perfected the art of writing letters to her favorite celebrities, and actually got a response once: from FRED SAVAGE. I mean, if anyone's going to write you back, it's that guy right? The dream man of every 12-year-old girl on the planet, the consummate nice guy, the owner of the most adorable dimples ever (next to A.C. Slater, of course).

The headshot he mailed back was clever and totally rad: "Jessica: May all your years be Wonder Years." Wow. Be still my heart (as Jess herself would say). He actually wrote back! And probably from the set of "The Wizard" while he was testing out the big screen debut of Super Mario Bros 3 and hanging out with co-star and future wet dream of every hispter boy ever, Jenny Lewis. It was probably the best celebrity-being-awesome story ever told.

Until Jess got to high school.

By the late 90s, she was living a super fantastic life in Mansfield, Texas, and her then-boyfriend Matt visited her at work, ecstatic to give her a gift. "Jessica. Guess what. I was talking by the bookstore and GUESS who was signing copies of his book. Brandon Tartikoff!"

[Many of you may not even know who that is. But for folks like Jess and me, he was a veritable hero. Mr. Tartikoff was the head of NBC in the 80s and 90s and he was the man responsible for telling us about a "hit idea for the new fall season" on the Johnny Dakota Anti-Drug episode of the best television show of all time, Saved by the Bell.]

Anyway, Matt pulled out a copy of Mr. Tartikoff's memoir "The Last Great Ride," and showed Jess the inscription he "wrote" for her: "Dear Jessica: There's no hope with dope! Love, Brandon Tartikoff."

Awww. Sweet, right? Perhaps. If Jessica wasn't fully aware that Brandon had passed away FOUR YEARS prior. Haha oops. Nice try Matt. I love that he assumed Brandon would write "love" so early in their nonexistent relationship, too. Feeble attempt, but a treasured memory and hilarious story, nonetheless, right?

And at least Jessica still had her Fred Savage headshot. Although by then Jessica had realized that Fred probably hadn't written her back himself and some publicist probably did it. Seems that sweet Savage boy was more the thundering bass, powerhouse drums badass we would expect from something called Sweet Savage.

The Sea-Maiden

Hey, I'm back. And just in time for a weird Irish fairy tale. The Sea-Maiden paints mermaids in a much dimmer light than Hans Christian Andersen did with his beloved children's story, that's for sure. The mermaid in this shit is the bad guy. Or gal (ugh, I hate that word). The Wiki entry was really confusing, though, because this story was adapted by two different authors, and the plot summarydelineates the differences between the two versions while outlining the plot. In other words, I'm not really sure what happens in this story, other than the fact that the mermaid is a Rumpelstiltskin type. Sorry, mermaids.

I guess it's about time mermaids catch a bad rap, though. Their name obviously insinuates their beautiful fair maidenness. And they live in the water so they're extra awesome. I bet this is the only story ever where a mermaid is anything less than totally smokin' hot and fun. This story did for mermaids what Lindsay Lohan did for, um, well, herself. Y'know back at the turning point when LiLo was in "Mean Girls" and everyone--even Tina Fey the genius--said she was the next big thing. But then she decided she liked coke in her nose better than having acting jobs, which was quite detrimental to her own reputation.

Actually, since The Sea-Maiden is a pretty under-the-radar tale, I'm sure it didn't do that great of a job marring the reputation of the mermaid population. I'm pretty sure every guy I know would still say Ariel is by far the hottest Disney princess. Eh, now that I think about it, isn't it more like an ongoing toss-up between Ariel and Princess Jasmine?*

It's like in Pulp Fiction when they say everyone's either an Elvis person or a Beatles person--you can't like both equally. (The answer is of course Beatles. It's only acceptable to say Elvis if your name is Uncle Jesse.) Is a guy either an Ariel person or a Princess Jasmine person (or, if you're Garth Algar or my friend Skinny, a Bugs-Bunny-in-a-dress person)? And, by that logic, is a lady either a Prince Eric person or an Aladdin person? Maybe.

Personally, I find both dudes rather attractive (despite the obvious problem that they exist only on the cels created by those crafty Disney Imagineers), but I'm gonna have to go with Aladdin on this one. He was troubled and down-to-earth even though he was BFF with Robin Williams, a rug and a monkey in a hat. Eric, while conventionally hotter and more rugged, was, after all, a prince. And that means he's probably a bit of a douche.

Maybe not, though. I was recently fooled when I met this polo-clad, BlackBerry-weilding, finance-jobbed, rich-family guy that I was sure would be a total douche. Turns out he was actually rather normal and friendly. Maybe "don't judge a book by its cover" was the lesson we were all supposed to learn from The Sea-Maiden? It was either that or "mermaids are bitches."

Natalie Cole

Yeah, for real. Random article's got a problem being random lately. I keep getting super well-known stuff. But, I digress. Let's just move on and talk about the crazy stuff I never knew about jazz singer Natalie Cole:

1. She's almost 60!? WTF?! I don't know, but I find it hard to believe that Nat King Cole's little girl is that old. Listen to me. I'm acting as though I knew her when she really was a little girl. In reality, I'm just shocked that this broad is older than my parents.
2. Her real name is Stephanie. Knowing that she's so old, it makes a bit more sense as to why she didn't go with Stephanie. It was probably a super weird name that nobody had back then. Kinda like Carly. I never knew any other Carly growing up and they never had personalized license plates for me at gift shops. Now there are millions of little girls running around with my name, and I find it a blessing. When I get old, everyone will think I'm younger than I am. Just like we would've thought with Stephanie Natalie Cole. But I guess going with her middle name helped her secure those ties with daddy Nat and boost her career, eh?
3. She used to refer to her family as "the black Kennedys." No comment. (Tried hard to find the clip from "Jerry Maguire" where Jerry says "no comment" and realizes Cush is cheatin on him with Bob Sugar. No avail.)
4. She was a druggie?! I guess this is old news by now, but I had no idea. Apparently, she's been sick for about a year. Her kidneys are all jacked up because she she got Hep C from doing so many drugs. WTF Natalie?! You been hanging with Pammy Anderson? Your daddy would never knowingly do that duet with you knowing what a bad kid you'd become.

That's probably not true. I bet Nat would've still done the "Unforgettable" duet in real life--not simulated like we all came to know and love it in the 90s. What an impact that duet had, eh? In fact, my prom theme was "Unforgettable" and that was the theme song.

Looking back, it was really weird, because my junior prom was in 1998 and that fake duet came out in 1991. At least we didn't go totally trite like 75% of the proms that year and use a Green Day's "Time of Your Life." We kept it klassy. Senior year's theme was equally retro and Rat Packy: Van Morrison's "Moondance." It was a great song, and the resulting commemorative grey long-sleeved prom t-shirts were pretty rad, but I distinctly remember nobody knowing how to dance to it. It's not a slow song, and it's not a fast song, and we were in high school in the 90s, so nobody knew the foxt trot. It was very awkward and cumbersome, even for 600 white kids. Maybe we could've used some dancing lessons from the black Kennedys.

1991 World Championships in Athletics - Men's 20 km Walk

The 1991 World Championships in Athletics - Men's 20 km Walk took place on August 24, 1991 in Tokyo and was won by Maurizio Damilano of Italy. (Really? That name is Italian? Duh.) The silver and bronze were both taken by Soviets. And, with that, my mind is racing. Racewalking, if you will.

Racewalking is a track event mandating that one foot "appears to be in contact with the ground at all times." Now, of course, the very thought of dudes doing the fast walk probably makes us all giggle. This particular race probably would have made me ROTFLMAO because I was 9 when it took place. Actually, thinking back to '91 and picturing this race makes me smile quite a bit because I'm picturing these guys wearing neon bike shorts and SurfStyle windbreakers. Yummy.

But let's not be accusatory and instead give these guys a little credit. Racewalking is no joke (except when they had it at this random track meet we did in high school--they had all these weirdo joke events like the Boys 1600m Walk and the Girls 3200m steeplechase, and since they were events nobody ever did for real life--and because they were 16-year-old guys, all the boys in that walk wore, um, neon bike shorts and SurfStyle windbreakers, actually).

Anyway, it's no joke. According to Wikipedia, racewalkers develop this cadence to move more quickly with their short strides and, effectively, become nearly as fast as 400m runners. AND the Olympic events are either 20km (12.4mi) or 50km (31mi)! By my calculations, Sr. Damilano won this race by WALKING 6-minute miles. TWELVE of them. OH EM GEE.

No wonder it was completely acceptable for a macho macho Italian to do such a gay-sounding sport. It's not ladylike at all. It's totally badass. Although I guess that doesn't explain the Soviet success in this event. I wouldn't really consider them most manly Olympians. Their specialty has always been gymnastics, yes? And hockey. Hockey is super gay. Then again, this was when they were doing their part to confuse the fuck out of the entire world with their USSR/CCCP/URS/Russia uniforms changing every day for about 4 years.

In any event, I'd like to conclude that I now have the utmost respect for racewalkers...although I still think I'd prefer if they dressed to entertain me, not to reduce resistance as they stroll through town at lighting speed.

61st Annual Golden Globe Awards

At first, when I saw "61st Annual Golden Globe Awards," I immediately thought they had taken place in like 1979. I don't know why. I wasn't even close. They were the 2003 awards. You wouldn't think it would be so difficult to remember movies & TV from just six years ago because I'm traditionally pretty adept at knowing movie/TV factoids (IMDB.com is my home page for Pete's sake), but I had a hard time with it. All I knew for sure without looking at the list of winners was that my least favorite show (besides Two and a Half Men...and According to Jim...and George Lopez) Sex & the City was a big winner. It had to have been, right? Nah. Walked (gallopped?) away with one award for Sarah Jessica Parker.

The real big winner of the party (yeah, apparently stars say the GGs are a huge party because you sit a tables, not in an auditorium and people get all wasted and shit and then lose their rented Harry Winston jewels) was Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Nerds.

Unfortunately for my own acceptance rating among the nerds I love so much, I've never seen any LOTR movies. I know enough about them through Led Zeppelin music to know it's not really my thing. Okay, that's not true. I think I have this attitude about me where I never want to get into anything that has a huge obsessive following (besdies Zac Efron--wow--my heart is beating faster just thinking about him) for fear that I will also become culty and/or trite and/or creepy in the process.

In my mind, this psychotic following most often develops around movie trilogies/series. Nearly every series you could name is also one I have never seen. I don't know. I guess I've always been averse to them. Get ready to be disappointed and hereby renounce me as the queen of trivia you've all come to know and love. Here's a list of those fave movie series I've never seen:

• Lord of the Rings
• Harry Potter (I saw part of one once. They played that broom game. I fell asleep.)
• Star Wars (I've seen the ewok movie, but that's it. I tried watching the 1st one [the 4th one?] but it was SO boring I turned it off after 20 minutes.)
• Rocky (Am I really missing much? "Eye of the Tiger," egg drinking, Philly steps, "ADRIENNE!")
• Rambo (See above)
• Terminator
• Indiana Jones (I know. This one is kinda important. It's on my Netflix, but I keep bumping it for seasons of Punky Brewster.)
• JAWS (Listen, my sister was too scared to watch Sleeping Beauty and E.T. There was no way my mom was letting us watch JAWS.)
• Nightmare on Elm Street/Halloween/Friday the 13th (I have seen all 3 "Scream" movies, though.)
• Lethal Weapon (I know nothing about these movies.)
  
• Die Hard ("Yippie kay ay motherfucker" is all I need to know, right?)
  
• Police Academy (Watched the cartoon all the time but never saw any of the movies. Weird.)
• Beverly Hills Cop (Now I have that song in my head...)
  
• The Matrix (Ookay, I saw the first one, but I don't remember it.)
• The Godfather (My friend Tyler made us watch the original once in high school. As soon as we got to the dead horse part, I was done. We put on Allison's "Best of MTV's The State" tape instead.)

Are you sufficiently disappointed? Yeah, I know. Me too. Guess I've got some stuff to go watch.