Ian Joy

Good news, friends. Looks like every guy I've ever loved/crushed on/blabbed endlessly about can be heretofore discarded in place of my latest Wikroll discovery: Ian Joy. Wow.

Not only is this guy a soccer player, he's a super hot half-British soccer player who's my age and was born on Bastille Day. I don't really know why I care that he was born on Bastille Day. I actually don't really enjoy the French (except Capucine, which we've already been over). I just like that it's a nice, easy-to-remember date (for nerds like me that know when Bastille Day is).

I'm guessing those other attractors are easy to understand. Super hot? Duh. My age? A plus, considering more & more professional athletes are actually younger than me, a fact that's hard to swallow. Half British? Love. Let me clarify "half British," BTW: he's American, but his mom is Scottish, so he's go dual citizenship. I'm guessing this means that he has no accent (sad) but he's still been trained to drink & fight like a strapping, manly Scotsman. Clutch.

And, of course, the soccer player thing is always desirable. Right? I coincidentally just spent the weekend with a bunch of my friends from my semester in Spain, and we reminisced a-plenty about the "futbolistas" we managed to meet and subsequently root for at the few soccer games we attended when we weren't a) at a bar, b) sleeping, c) sneaking into the pool at the local 4-star hotel or d) lusting after Spain's other hot commodity: reality singing competition contestants.

Seriously, though. The hottest, most popular guys were for sure the soccer players. At least that's what I thought. I guess there was some dissension in the ranks, because they somehow garnered the nickname "field fairies," an epithet that ostensibly came from the (American) football team? Was this just at my school? Were soccer players "field fairies" throughout the US?

How lame. Why the gay stereotype for soccer? Y'know, football team, your sport is WAY more gay than soccer. In fact, if you're gonna take the Immature High School Boy (or Michael Scott) approach to life, most sports are actually gayer than soccer. Wrestling? Duh. Swimming? Speedos & leg shaving. Basketball? "Ball handling drills." Hockey? Please see DB Sweeney's hit "The Cutting Edge." Baseball? Gay outfits.

But soccer? Come on. Not gay. They can't even use their hands.

Okay, I guess that doesn't mean much when I put myself inside the mind of a 16-year-old dude. But I'll take it. Add it to the list. Ian Joy: super hot half-British soccer player who's my age and was born on Bastille Day who's probably not gay. Probably.

PS: I have to shout out to Cat Deeley, host of the FOX reality show So You Think You Can Dance for forever changing the word "joy" for me. Every time I see it, I read it with such fervor and Britishness that you'd think I was having a Tourette's-induced seizure.