Pingfang

Okay, I'll admit it. The first time I hit random article today, I got John F. Kennedy. No joke. But the fact that I had to actually say "no joke" to tell you that JFK really did come up randomly is the reason why I rolled again to get Pingfang. Sorry to compromise the integrity of Wikrolled, but the most beloved guy-who-goes-by-initials of all time (tied with LBJ, FDR and APK) didn't seem random enough. Plus, we all know his story, so we wouldn't have learned anything. I would've just written about the scene in Wayne's World where Wayne imitates Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to Jack.

In any event, on to Pingfang. Despite being the funnest word to say, ever (next to "preposterone"), Pingfang's claim to fame is super sad. It was the headquarters of the Japanese Biological Warfare Unit 731 in China during WWII (please read "dubya, dubya, two" like John Wayne). And now I'm thinking about Honors English 9 in high school, when we had to read Hiroshima. Yes, I know this is not the same - nuclear bomb sent by the US to Japan is not the same as dungeons and incinerators built by the Japanese in China - but still. I'm thinking of that book.

More notably, though, I'm thinking about what happened when we were discussing it in class. During one of the most serious discussions around the book, Katy Melenchik* spilled a bottle of CK One all over the floor next to Jill Kennedy's* backpack and there was a minor freakout. Miss Jane Grabowski* got all crabby and sent them both to the office, while the rest of the class had to bathe in cheap cologne all afternoon.

But that was back when Jane was still single and crabby. Before she started dating math teacher Mr. Oswald and became nice. When those two got married, Honors English 9 got a fuck of a lot easier. Not only was she Mrs. Oswald, but she was also married into the cool clique of teachers at school, a group she never could've gotten into without good ol' Oswald. You know, the hot social studies & math guys who coached baseball & track...and eventually marry former students.

Well, turns out her tenure in the popular circle didn't last too long. Turns out her new husband ended up getting frisky with Maggie Barnes* on the bus back from Summerfest...the summer before Maggie's senior year. DRAAAAAMA! Like, drama worse than anything from WWII . Bet Jane wanted to send that cheating creep over to Pingfang? Fuck yeah. Give him up.

PS: Apparently Skinny used to date Maggie Barnes in like 8th grade. I can't decide whether Mr. Oswald was a step up or a step down from that.

*Names changed to protect the innocent. AKA, so if they ever Google themselves, they won't find my weirdo blog post.