Neoneli

I wish Neoneli were what it sounds like, a futuristic cyborg version of Nelly (Where the F did he go, BTW? I haven't heard about his exploits/joints/cribs in years, despite the fact that I still hear "Ride Wit Me" on a weekly basis.)

In reality, Neoneli is a "commune" on the island of Sardinia. I think Wikipedia is misusing the term "commune," though, because it sounds like this place is just a town where people really like their space. It's 49 square km, but there are only 776 people there. Population density? Only 16! 16?!!?!

Now, obviously I think this sounds rather ludicrous (nope, not referring yet another rapper from the Welcome to Atlanta Remix) since I live in Chicago, where the population density is like 12,000. But my hometown back in Wisconsin is pretty spacious and a so-called "farmy" locale. And still, the density is 182 and we definitely had enough room that we couldn't see the neighbors.

This was definitely a good thing. To one side was the perpetually drunk couple who had 5 cats, all named after characters from Rocky & Bullwinkle. To the other was the family who spent all winter collecting sap from their trees. And across the street was my 8th grade science teacher, his wife and his twin girls, Missy & Jenny, who babysat us when we were little. They seemed pretty perfect. Oh, you know, until I reached 8th grade and realized the rumor that he was dating another one of the 8th grade teachers, Mrs. Claus, was indeed true. Now that the term is ubiquitous, I can confidently categorize Nancy Claus as a cougar, quite dangerous for all the pubescent 14-year-old boys in her class. With her catlike powers and her penchant for adultery, her name really should've been spelled C-l-a-w-s. Pun intended.

In fact, when I was in 1st grade, I remember some of the 8th graders came down to read us "Miss Nelson is Missing." They said "We're from Mrs. Claus' 8th grade English class," and I never once thought "Oh, like Santa's wife." Nope. I immediately thought of Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. I swear. It didn't even occur to me to relate this woman to Santa. Just the villain from my favorite cartoon. And even 7 years before I'd actually meet the woman, I was right. Turns out she was awful. I always knew I had good intuition.

In any event, Mrs. Claus and her married prey eventually got married themselves and his family basically fell apart. With good reason, of course. At least Jenny got to marry an Olympic Gold medalist. She deserves it. She was a good babysitter.

Listen to me now. Two posts in a row about indiscretions of my former teachers. Maybe they should think about spreading people out even more up in Wisco. All this close contact is causing so much drama. I bet Neoneli is totally adultery-free.