Curtain rod

Wow. I wish I were sleemailing right now instead of blogging about curtain rods. Since I didn't really learn anything from Wikipedia on the subject--aside from the fact that Curtain Rod Day is December 16--I shall dedicate this post to rods in general.

I think the rod topic is top-of-mind because one of my besties, J. Holmes, recently competed in our annual beer pong tournament under the name "In Rod We Trust." When I asked her what that was in reference to, she said "oh, any number of Rods," including but not limited to:

• A-Rod: Roided up & banging Madge? Sickening. This begs the question, though: If Alex Rodriguez is A-Rod, can Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez be B-Rod? Benny is, of course, the star of The Sandlot--a movie every girl my age loved because of all the cute boys in it. This is also why we loved The Mighty Ducks. Wasn't it a disappointment when Adam Banks got ugly between D1 and D2?
• Hot Rod: No, not the car Tim "The Toolman" Taylor was always fixing up in the garage. The shitty movie starring Andy Samberg. J. Holmes and I actually saw it and were so disappointed that we sneaked into The Bourne Ultimatum right after in an effort to get our money's worth. People seem to think Hot Rod isn't all that bad, and given the recent prominence of Jorma Taccone and Danny McBride, I'd be willing to give it a second chance.
• Rod Farva: Gimme a god damn liter of cola. The powdered sugar is delicious. I got you good, you fucker. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I weep for you.
• Rod Roddy: Wouldn't it be kinda cool if the devil won a bet and got to pull Rody Roddy down to hell, just so he could use him to entice other people to come down there by requesting they "COME ON DOWN"?
  

So let's honor you, rods of the world. No, I didn't talk about Rod Stewart, Rod Flanders, Rod Serling, Rod Tidwell or fishing rod--but I still love you. In Rod I trust.*

I other news, I found this hilarious thing yesterday. Put your name in, or what-have-you, and it gives you anagrams. I anagrammed "curtain rod" and didn't get anything good, though. Rick Astley's got some great ones, though.

*Okay, there's another one, but I'm not going to talk about him. No politics on Wikrolled. Especially politics that embarrass the hell out of the city I live in.

Sleep emailing

OMG! LMAO! ROTFLOL! This is hilarious. Not so much the concept of sleep emailing itself, but that it warrants a Wikipedia entry. I mean, what kind of explanation is necessary? Who would look this up and be surprised to learn that, "Oh! Sleep emailing is when you email while you're asleep!" Probably a sleep emailer. WTF?! DUH.

What IS surprising, is that the first case of sleep email wasn't recorded until just three months ago, in December 2008. I find it hard to imagine that in all the years since Al Gore invented the internet, no sonnambulist has ever emailed while in his sleepwalking state. At least someone got right out and Wikipedia'd it, saw there was no entry, and hastily made a 2-sentence page for it. Thank you.

Of course, sleep emailing is similar in nature to drunk emailing, which Google has tried to curb with its Mail Goggles (I need this...but for Facebook). In both cases, you probably get a lot of this kinda thing: "Heydfs, Whatsd'dk updfSF? I gtoota go toafkldjnjffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff....go clean yoru room."

For the record, I'd like to propose we portmanteau the shit out of this disease and start calling it "sleemailing." It's fun to say, and it's easier to say if you're really, really sleepy. Or drunk.

Lara Spencer

Cool! A legit semi-famous person that I've actually heard of. Lara Spencer hosts the syndicated celebrity gossip trash The Insider. Now, honestly, I don't know how these shows can survive anymore, what with 4,000 bloggers sitting in SBUX all day long waiting to post the newest "news" about Miley, Posh, St. Angelina and my favorite robot Katie Holmes. By the time The Insider's on, everyone's known that shit for at least 2 hours. Old news. Must be why Lara's got a side job hosting Antiques Roadshow. No joke. How fitting.

One exciting thing about The Insider is that it's the former home of crazy, nasaly, fueled-up, oversexed junkie Pat O'Brien. Of course, that whole description is gleaned from Jimmy Fallon's awful impression of the guy (and what I read on up-to-date gossip blogs). Shame it's not very good because his decent impressions are pretty much Mr. Fallon's only saving grace. These days, they're no match for Justin Timberlake's Michael McDonald*, though.

Speaking of which, why is JT BFF with everyone who's ever been on SNL lately? Lara Spencer & Pat O'Brien certainly weren't BFF on The Insider. I remember reading about their ongoing feud on dlisted.com, my celebrity blog of choice. By the time they actually got around to talking about said feud on their show, even the grandpa who brought in Kit Carson's old-ass blanket to Antiques Roadshow knew about it. Thanks for keeping us all in-the-know, Perez Hilton!

*The other day, I finally realized that "Regulate" by Warren G was sampled from "I Keep Forgettin'" by Michael McDonald. No lie: it came on in a bar last night, and everyone was like "REGULATORS!" No. They were legitimately playing Michael McDonald. Best.

St. Crispin's Day

Huh? How is it even possible that Wikipedia gives me some other dudes' saint's day as I'm about to go observe St. Patrick's Day? Today, we'll celebrate the Irish...and two martyred twins named Crispin and Crispinian, who garnered themselves their own day. St. Crispin's Day is October 25. Mark it down!

Now, I find it incredibly hard to believe that anyone would name their child Crispin. It's even more difficult to understand that the crazy hellion (sorry--mother of saints) who had these two didn't think just one Crispin was enough. She needed a Crispin AND a Crispinian. It would appear that the Catholic Church and I are on the same page here. They took these two crispy bitches out of the liturgical calendar because there was "insufficient evidence that they actually existed." Damn straight.

Now, Biff. I'm not trying to con you. I want to make it clear that I do indeed respect the one notable REAL Crispin out there, George McFly (Crispin Glover), and I will celebrate him on his now defunct saint's day. Although maybe it would be more fun to celebrate him by lighting up a J on his real birthday (which he shares with Hitler & my good friend Allison), April 20. Let's get crispy!

Wow. I think I just invented a new euphemism for stoned. Sweeeeet.

Charles D. Parker

Well, this is some lucky randomness. I get to blog about the land of cheese, badgers, and ME: Wisconsin. Isn't today supposed to be unlucky? I mean, it's not like I've ever actually heard of 1880's sexiest Wisconsin politician Charles D. Parker, but he pretty much sounds awesome. Well, okay. He was originally from Waukesha, which is not all that great. I have fallen for the charms of one particular man from Waukesha, and it didn't end well. He was fickle and a little boring. Admittedly, he won me over with his extensive knowledge of Ferris Bueller trivia. Come to think of it, one of his best friends is a Parker. Maybe this is a coincidence?

At least this Charles Parker character got past his Waukesha upbringing and became a regent at UW-Madison, my alma mater. I feel like UW is the only school that ever talks about regents. It's usually a term reserved for legit royal dudes (and royal ugly dudes), no? The high school in Madison is even nicknamed the Regents. What a shitty mascot. FYI, Reggie the Regent is a lion. Where the hell'd that come from, Madison West? (Yeah, I know. Lion=king=royal=regent. Whatever.) And, yes, my high school mascot was a dude in a kilt, so I guess I shouldn't talk. Shut up.

Hey, wasn't there someone actually cool named Charlie Parker? Indeed, there was.

PS: Since this was my lucky day, make it yours. Watch this. Happy St. Patrick's Day, my babies.

Windjammer (disambiguation)

What a fucking treat. This is the first time I've been greeted by the elusive "disambiguation" category on my wikrolling adventure. I haven't decided what to do in these situations, so, for now, let's take a look at all this cool shit named windjammer:

• A huge boat with a million sails and a movie about a huge boat with a million sails. Looks like Swiss Family Robinson without the people. Boring.
  
• An album by jazz trumpeter Freddie Hubbard. With a name like "Windjammer," your album better be the highest-quality Yacht Rock, not trumpets, okay?
• TWO basketball teams: The Halifax Windjammers and the Maine Windjammers. "Maine Windjammers" sounds awkward and not at all catchy...until you think about the fact that "main" is a kind of sail. And then it's not such a stupid name, is it?
• A boat cruise line. From what I know, I think it's got a sort of skeezy tinge to it--kinda like Sandals, but on a sailboat. I picture it having an activities director named Kandace who's got lots of organized games like you'd play at your first 7th grade boy-girl party. Ya know, where you pass the orange down the line via necking? And then, before you know it, everyone's doin' it in the hot tub (on the cruise, not at the 7th grade party, I hope).
  
• A surfing themed rollercoaster at Knott's Berry Farm that was "was known to be a mechanical nightmare," involving a problem with momentum that made the ride slow down to 5mph so it wouldn't be able to advance. Holy shit. Could you imagine if you were floating along in your SoCal-laid-back-palm-treed coaster car, listening to a looped track of Beach Boys hits and it just stopped right before the big drop? I imagine the ride was also shut down frequently due to people soiling themselves. Sick.
  

This is why the soft breezes and cool melodies of the ocean shore should only be reserved for the albums of Christopher Cross. Or Andy Samberg/T-Pain. Oh, and maybe this guy.

Gold Dust Gertie

Today, random article gave me this little gem, Gold Dust Gertie, which was an "all-talking musical comedy" from 1931. Now, apparently, it was originally produced as a full-on musical, but there was a "backlash" against musicals back in '31, so they made it into a regular movie. Now, I don't know about you guys, but doesn't that seem like a horrible, horrible idea? Think about some musicals you know. Then think about what vapid junk they'd have left if they took out all the music & dancing.

• Grease: Bad accents, teen pregnancy, incompetent hurdling and a slutty black outfit. No thanks.
• High School Musical: Pretty high school boys playing basketball in a natural, un-choregraphed way. Unless one of those boys is also a werewolf, I want nothing to do with this movie.*
• West Side Story: Romeo & Juliet. Okay, bad example.

So, it seems that all this movie had after they took out the music was a couple of dudes in matching suits and a tiny pony. And let's be honest, I'd probably watch it just for the mini pony. Sadly, I checked out the trailer, and there's absolutely no pony to be found. WTF? Guess Gold Dust Gertie really was nothing after they pandered to the musical backlash.

At least they all talk in my favorite dialect: old timey. Say, put on some records and let's smoke us some Chesterfields, say? I heard that Gertie'll knock your bridgework out. No foolin'.

*See, if you take out the musical part of HSM, you take out half the plot, and all that's left is the basketball part. Kinda like when you take all the dialogue out of The Hills. Smart!