List of the 100 largest urban areas in Canada by population

Huzzah! Random article has blessed me with yet another list. This time, it's a list of the 100 largest urban areas in Canada by population. I hate to be snarky because Canadians are supposedly so nice, but it really should be the list of largest "urban areas" in Canada. 70% of these "urban areas" are less than 100,000 people. Nearly 50% of them are 50,000 or less.

Come on! I know it gets cold up there, but couldn't you do something cooler with all that space? Your 90th largest "urban area" is not much bigger than my high school (exaggeration to prove a point). The 514th largest "urban area" in the US is nearly twice that (thank you, Del Rio, Texas). Is city planning considered rude, or could you just not get those Degrassi kids to reproduce enough to fill up your huge ass country?

I'm sorry, Canadians. But you need a little bit of motivation. Get it together and get build some cities. I don't care if the rest of the world likes your laid-back demeanor--you're just like Americans but less douchey.

It's understandable. Now that I think about it, you are. You're the Ryan Reynolds to our Matthew McConaughey, the Will Arnett to our Jeremy Piven, the Corey Hart (not Haim) to our Corey Feldman, the Sebastian Bach to our Bret Michaels. (Okay, that last one was a stretch. They're both total bags of douche.) Need more analogies? You're the cast of Knocked Up to our Ben Stiller, the Rick Fox to our Dennis Rodman. Planet Earth basically thinks Canada is filled with Dana Carveys and Michael Ceras while America's filled with Spencer Pratts and John Mayers.

Wow. Americans suck. Browsing the list of famous Canadians made me realize that we really are dicks. Seriously. I'm sorry I doubted you, Canada. EVERYONE awesome is from your country. I mean, we've still got Jason Bateman, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, Zooey Deschanel and a few others. But think about everyone else who's a major asshat. Probably American:

• Angelina Jolie? Why do you think she's got all those foreign kids? To cancel out her Americanism
• Tom Cruise? He'd like to claim he's an alien, but he's American
• Dane Cook? Bostonian (douchiest part of America)
• Oprah? AMERICAN! (read in Oprah's "favorite things" voice)
• Dakota Fanning? America's tiniest douche
• Elmo? American (and the biggest jerk I can think of)

Admittedly, Canadians like Eugene Levy and Howie Mandel do bring a high degree of suck, but it's not enough to cancel out the awesome brought to us by Michael J. Fox and Rachel McAdams. Although, in Canada, Mandel & Levy constitute nearly 2% of the population, which is why they were apparently exiled by the Canadian government (parliament? mounties?) and forced to take jobs where they look as American as possible. I mean, seriously. One's basically become the Screech Powers of the American Pie franchise and don't even get me started on the douchey banality of Deal or No Deal. Sickening.

But now that they're here in America where they belong, I guess it's safe to say I'd like to move to Canada. #97 on the list happens to be Owen Sound, Ontario (pop. 22,649). I'll fit right in. They'll think I'm their queen.